i feel like a ghost slowly becoming material again, but still flickering transparent. hesitating because it remembers somewhere the things that killed it in the first place, but trying to know it’s different.
it’s like i have to remind myself to stop thinking the time before the sunrise is the dusk instead – it looks the same but means something different. or maybe it’s always been the same and i’m hoping to find the daylight that stays light. or something.
i wish i could stop confusing myself in everything. cause it’s simple. if it’s not then youre thinking about it the wrong way. thinking is the problem. i dont know. i just wish we’d all stop trying to figure every tiny little thing out by ourselves. look outwards. share the good, share the bad.
i want to change things. i want to pull up the weeds and plant flowers in their place. but then i remember you have to change yourself before you can expect to change anything else. why go out to tend someone else’s garden when your own is a mess? it sounds simple. but it also sounds like fix yourself, but then everything else looks like its stopping that and suddenly perhaps nothing is simple.
but it has to make sense one day – just not today. which hurts because, what do you do now? but it’s soothing cause it isn’t just a tangle with no answer. it will be sorted in the end. how you get there looks like tricky unknowns now, but maybe its worth remembering that you can’t think about tomorrow’s work if you haven’t done today’s. you can’t plant the seeds before you’ve prepared the soil, you can’t expect to see anything growing tomorrow if you haven’t planted anything today. maybe this is a different argument.
sometimes there’s no good place for a flower to grow, but it will grow anyway.
sometimes a seed can have everything it could possibly need, but it stays dead regardless.
either way, its not worth worrying about. all you can do is plant the seed.